Devil's Dictionary.pdf

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

AMBROSE BIERCE

PREFACE

The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was

continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that

year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The

Cynic's Word Book, a name which the author had not the power to

reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the

present work:

"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by

the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the

work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out

in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a

score of 'cynic' books --The Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and

The Cynic's t'Other. Most of these books were merely stupid, though

some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they

brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing

it was discredited in advance of publication."

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country

had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,

and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had

become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is

made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial

of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely

resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to

whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines

to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.

A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book

is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of

whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,

S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly

encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly

indebted.

A.B.

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence

of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when

addressing an employer.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside

from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the

high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication

Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.

For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:

She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

To History she'll be no royal riddle --

Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

G.J.

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with

sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient

faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at

the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence

for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a

free hand in the world's marketing the race would become

graminivorous.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of

the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the

last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high

degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is

rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and

conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be

detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the

straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.

Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and

the hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a

newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

By Abracadabra we signify

An infinite number of things.

'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?

And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby

The Truth (with the comfort it brings)

Is open to all who grope in night,

Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun

Is knowledge beyond my reach.

I only know that 'tis handed down.

From sage to sage,

From age to age --

An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told

That he lived to be ten centuries old,

In a cave on a mountain side.

(True, he finally died.)

The fame of his wisdom filled the land,

For his head was bald, and you'll understand

His beard was long and white

And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near

To sit at his feat and hear and hear,

Though he never was heard

To utter a word

But "Abracadabra, abracadab,

Abracada, abracad,

Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"

'Twas all he had,

'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each

Made copious notes of the mystical speech,

Which they published next --

A trickle of text

In the meadow of commentary.

Mighty big books were these,

In a number, as leaves of trees;

In learning, remarkably -- very!

He's dead,

As I said,

And the books of the sages have perished,

But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.

In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,

Like an ancient bell that forever swings.

O, I love to

hear

That

word make clear

Humanity's

General Sense of

Things.

Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for

people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of

mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel

them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-

shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most

affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another

author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the

property of another.

Spring beckons! All

things to the call

respond;

The trees are leaving

and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;

hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection

of another.

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

What face he carries or what form he wears?

But woman's body is the woman. O,

Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

A woman absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to

remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is

one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases

the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them

having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's

power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,

which are governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying

himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from

everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the

affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought

You a total abstainer, my son."

"So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --

"But not, sir, a bigoted one."

G.J.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with

one's own opinion.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were

taught.

ACADEMY, n.

[from

ACADEME] A modern school where football is

taught.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable

natural laws.

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty

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