"BRUCE ALMIGHTY"
by Steve Koren & Mark O'Keefe
Rewrite by Steve Oedekerk
7/30/02
INT. KOWOLSKI'S BAKERY - KITCHEN - DAY
A news crew shuttles around a GIGANTIC COOKIE. Standing by
are the KOWOLSKI BROTHERS, GUSTOV and VOL, two SHORT, STOCKY,
MEN, along with MOTHER KOWOLSKI and other bakery family
employees. A "30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY" sign hangs in the
background.
BRUCE NOLAN looks into a make-up mirror, desperately trying
to place a large segment of wayward hair.
BRUCE
Oh, God, no! The hair's wrong. This
is a bad sign.
(calling out)
We really need to get a make-up
person?!
The segment producer, ALLY LOMAN, steps over.
ALLY
Not in the budget. And not to worry,
you're going to look great in this.
She holds out a HAIR NET.
A hair net? I'm not wearing a hair
net. I just did the hair.
(matter of fact)
Health code. In the kitchen or around
the cookie, you gotta have it.
(to crew: re hair net)
You guy's should tell me this before
hand, this is like a huge waste of...
moose.
Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes
up looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.
Remind me to swing by an elementary
school after this and serve lunch.
Ally laughs.
You're a thing of beauty. In three,
two, one...
Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.
(Note: Whenever Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his
"REPORTER'S VOICE" -- that recognizable, too-smooth delivery
that all news reporters seem to have. In mathematical terms
Bruce's version is to the 7th power.)
For three decades the Kowolski Family
Bakery has been a mainstay in downtown
Buffalo. Known for their sinfully
rich, cream filled, deep fried polski
pierogis. And the occasional sugar
induced coma that follows. Today, in
honor of their 30 year anniversary,
Momma Kowolski and her sons Gustov
and Vol, decided to do something, a
little bit different. Tell me guys,
how did this idea come about?
GUSTOV
Well, Vol said to me, 'Gustov, why
don't we make the biggest chocolate
chip cookie in Buffalo?' And I said,
'Yeah, sure.'
Wow. Fascinating.
Bruce steps up to the HUGE COOKIE.
The previous Buffalo cookie record
was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by Gladys
Pelsnick. But this behemoth cookie
clearly proving that Gustov and Vol
have much more free time.
The Kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background,
toasting with big mugs of milk. Bruce steps forward, looks
dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.
As we witness the ceremonial toasting
with milk it makes one pause and
think. What are we really looking at
here? Is it just a big cookie or
does this cookie represent the pride
of Buffalo? Our dedicated and hard
working citizens the key ingredient,
with a few nuts thrown in.
(motions his eyes to
the Kowolski twins)
And finally, the love of our families
which provides the warm chewy center
making our beloved Buffalo the
sweetest place to live.
Camera is in CLOSE as Bruce signs-off.
And that's the way the cookie
crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness
News.
Bruce's hair net SLIPS UP, PUFFING HIS HAIR INTO A BUN ON
THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Kowolskis and bystanders all laugh.
The frame FREEZES.
We PULL BACK from the TV and find Bruce holding the remote,
watching the recorded spot on TV. We are now...
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bruce is with his longtime girlfriend, GRACE. She has a box
of photos on the coffee table in front of her organizing
them into a photo album.
So, what do you think?
GRACE
It's good.
It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.
People with eating disorders will be
riveted,
(goes into huge
pathetic fan character)
Dear Bruce, love the bakery piece. I
can't wait to vomit so I can make
room for more cookies.
I thought it was funny. I love the
hair net. How'd you get it to do
that?
What? I'm cutting that. They made me
wear that stupid thing. I don't even
look like myself. The hair is one of
the most important parts of an on
camera persona. Right out of the
gate, I lost the hair advantage.
Grace looks at a photo.
Oh, my gosh, look at this one. My
sister is so drunk.
She places it in the album.
Grace. Try to stay focused here. I
need your help.
Aren't you taking this a little too
seriously?
It's sweeps Grace. It is serious.
There's an anchor job open. This is
important. This is our future!
Bruce points to the TV as he says "future," not realizing
he's pointing at the ridiculous image of himself with the
hair net bun. Grace can't help but giggle.
I'm sorry.
Bruce collapses into Grace's arms like a child. He clearly
has a fragile temperament.
(sighs)
I'm never going to get anchor doing
these kind of assignments. I want my
work to matter.
It does matter. You're funny. You
make people smile. Come on, take a
break, help me put this album
together.
(reluctant)
Alright.
Grace holds up a photo.
Oh look at this. It's the first day
we moved in together.
It's the two of them, younger, laughing.
(down)
Yeah, so full of hopes and dreams.
Oh, here's me at my sister's wedding.
I caught the bouquet.
It's a picture of Grace overpowering the other bridesmaids
for the bouquet.
You look pretty intense, hun.
Well, I was thinking about you.
Grace cuddles into Bruce.
So, you're attracted to me in some
way, is that what you're trying to
say?
Grace rolls over onto Bruce.
You have no idea.
I was saving myself for the wedding
night, but if you keep this up, I
may lose my resolve.
Grace stands, pulling Bruce up.
Well, that's the way the cookie
crumbles.
They kiss, stumbling toward the bedroom.
Hey, that's a good line, but you
need more resonance. From the
diaphragm.
(newscaster voice)
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Oh, say it again.
(bigger)
(sweet, southern
groupie)
Oh, I just love on-air personalities.
Well then, let me take these clothes
off and slip into my hair net.
Grace laughs, Bruce joins in as they disappear into the
bedroom.
CUT TO:
A TELEVISION SCREEN
We see the INTRO FOR SIXTY MINUTES:
NEWS CLIP
I'm Ed Bradley, I'm Morely Safer,
and I'm --
LESLIE STAHL is HIT IN THE NECK WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART.
Her head wavers, then DROPS on the desk. The camera PANS to
BRUCE, who lowers a bamboo blow gun, cooly addresses camera.
...Bruce Nolan. And this is Sixty
Minutes.
THE SIXTY MINUTES TICKING CLOCK
DISSOLVE TO:
BRUCE'S ALARM CLOCK - IT RINGS
We are in...
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Bruce lies next to Grace with a big smile on his face. Grace
hits the alarm, rolls over snuggling close to Bruce.
Sweety, time to get up...
She kisses Bruce, gets up.
No, I'm having a great dream.
The covers are RIPPED OUT OF FRAME. Bruce throws a mock hissy
fit.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Bruce watches TV as he buttons his shirt.
SPORTSCASTER
...and the Sabers lost another close
one last night. Four to three to the
Toronto Maple Leafs.
Of course they lost, they're my team.
MOMENTS LATER
Bruce checks his hair in the mirror practicing his new
signoff.
"And that's the way the cookie
crumbles."
(calls to Grace)
You know, I think there might be
something to that cookie line. Every
great anchor has his own signature
sign-off.
(as Walter Cronkite)
ANGLE - SAM
Pee...
missolgarock