Hockey Night In Pittsburgh - Welcome to the NZHL!
by Sheryl Nantus
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2009 Sheryl Nantus
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"Well, folks – here we are in the last period of the game. It's been a great season and we're pleased to be the first network to carry the NZHL playoffs!"
"You got that right, Ed! It's been wonderful to see the support of local fans for their favorite hockey team, next to the Penguins, of course.”
"Good point, Don. Pittsburgh has been really supportive of the National Zombie Hockey League; even to the point of allowing fans to mingle with the players after the game – after signing a waiver, of course."
"Butkins has the puck; moving up past the blue line. Whoa, there's a hell of a body check there, delivered by Montreal Mortis defenseman Daniel Putrois! That's got to hurt… if zombies had anything to hurt, of course."
"Good point. And judging by the bloody smear on the boards, it looks like Butkins took that pretty hard. In fact, there's something on the ice… is that his left hand?"
"I think it is. But he's playing on through, being the trooper that he is. And the hand gets kicked towards the boards; away from the action."
"Now in any other game you'd have the referee calling play stoppage for that, right? But not in the NZHL – it was decided right from the start that no referees would be on the ice. And why was that, Ed?"
"Well, that's because the players tend to attack the referees, being alive and all. So all league games run without referees and no penalties, which makes for a much livelier game!"
"So to speak."
"Righto! Now let's pay the bills for a minute and go to a commercial!"
"Have you or someone you know lost a friend or a relative to the latest zombies attack? Have you suffered loss of property due to the random fires and explosions? Are you sitting in a refugee camp waiting to be relocated and wondering where the money to rebuild will come from?
Call Edgar Sniper and Associates, at 1-800-C-ZOMBIE and we will pursue your case for free! We'll do the paperwork to get you what you deserve; whether your family member had their brains sucked out by a mob of zombies or actually became a zombie and attacked innocent bystanders – we'll get what you deserve! So call now; 1-800-C-ZOMBIE!"
"Well, we're back to the action on the ice and the crowd is cheering on the newest Pittsburgh Putrid player on blades – Sippy Cannibly!"
"Yes, Ed – the young rookie is well on his way to making a big name for himself in the Undead League. Well, as long as he can keep it together."
"And that might be a problem, Don. He's just been bodychecked into the boards by Number 22, Dancing Dave Harpy and he's down!"
"That's definitely not a good sign. The other team is swarming around him and I think we've got a fight brewing! I see the other Putrid players trying to get through the crowd, but it looks like… yes, they're tearing Cannibly's helmet off!"
"Darn it! That kid had some mad moves, Don. The NZFL scouts found him on the streets after the most recent attacks taking out his former friends with a hockey stick. Of course, he had already been bitten, so…"
"Wait, wait! He's getting back to his feet! Yes, Cannibly's pushed himself up from the ice and he's now fighting back! I haven't seen a recovery like that ever before!"
"It's amazing to watch, that's for sure. And now the Putrid players are ripping through the Mortis, literally, to get to their fellow player. It's great to see that sort of teamwork, isn't it?"
"Gets you right in the heart, it does. And speaking of in the heart, let's take a fast break and pay some more bills!"
"Coming this fall – Zombie House! Imagine what sort of crazy capers these reality show contestants are going to be pulling when they find out they're not only trapped in an enclosure with zombies but that one of them is already infected! Be sure to tune in for the wacky insanity that's sure to happen as friend turns on friend and one after the other joins the ravenous mob outside the fence! Who will survive? Who can outplay, outlast and outeat Zombie House!"
"Sounds like a great night of television, Don!"
"Definitely, Ed – maybe it'll be better than DeathEater Rampage Racing, but I'll have to wait and see. Now let's get back to the game!"
"Right. Well, Cannibly has been dragged off the ice and his helmet tied back onto his head by his teammates – who have also managed to attach the rookie's hand back to his arm using nothing more than the torn jersey of a downed Mortis player!"
"There's teamwork for you. And now the Pittsburgh Putrids are making a move on the goal! Dancing Dan passes to Malachi and over to R.C. who takes the shot!"
"What a save by the Montreal Mortis goalie! I tell you, if that man were alive he'd be drafted by the NHL in a second!"
"Right you are, Ed – but if he were alive he'd be attacked in a second, of course. Wait, wait a minute here. The Putrid coach is calling for a time out. Guess he's going to try and come up with some sort of strategy to win the game, with only a few minutes left in the third period. While they wheel out the steel cage for the coach to approach his players, let's take a fast break!"
"I used to worry about walking home late at night. After all, there's only so much that mace, a taser, a handgun and a chainsaw can do against a zombie attack. But now there's Zombie-Off; the answer to all my worries! Yes, this special formula is guaranteed to keep zombies a good ten feet away from me as I sprint home, safe and sound. Can you afford to not buy Zombie-Off? Just remember to shower within ten minutes of applying the spray to avoid those annoying side effects!"
"And we're back for the last few exciting moments of the game! The Pittsburgh Coach, Mario Lamebucks has just been wheeled back off the ice after giving his team one last pep talk and instructions!"
"I see old Mario's had to use the shotgun twice during that short break – is that Shrowder's arm I see lying on the ice?"
"It sure is, Don. Guess the old man didn't like hearing what the coach had to say. Now he's got to finish the game with only one hand. That'll be a rough penalty for them to overcome."
"At least Mario didn't have to go to the hospital like last time."
"True, that. And now the puck's been dropped into play by the overhead crane and we're off! Mortis player Alan Dubois has it and is heading for the Putrid net!"
"But wait! He's just been bodychecked into the boards by Cannibly who's now taken the puck! He's screaming down the center of the rink with two Putrids on each side! This could be it, folks!"
"The Montreal goalie is dropping down, ready to take the shot as Cannibly gets closer, closer… and he brings his stick back… back…"
"Mortis players are literally throwing themselves in front of the puck! It's… Don, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
"You got it, Ed! The puck is literally flying through the Mortis players! This is incredible, folks! The rags that pass for team jerseys are allowing the puck to tear through their torsos and race out the other side; dragging intestines and what's left of their internal organs behind!"
"Three Mortis players are on the ice, disemboweled even as the puck's headed for the net! Can veteran goalie Yves "Rancid" Richard stop it?"
"Oh, my God! Richard's confused and can't see the puck in the middle of all the entrails and organs flying with it! He's flailing at the air with his stick; tangling his own teammates' intestines around him!"
"But where's the puck? Where's the puck?"
"He scores! Pittsburgh Putrid scores! And that's the game, folks! Cannibly has the final goal of the game and he's certain to get MVP for that fantastic shot!"
"Amazing, Don! Just amazing – he's sure to be a contender for the MVP for the season with that game-winning move! Look at the way his own teammates are surrounding him… oh, wait. What's going on?"
"Trouble on the ice, Ed. I think the rest of the Putrids are a bit fed-up with Cannibly's antics. After all, we've heard about the temper tantrums and the hissy fits when he doesn't have his brains at just the right temperatures in the dressing room for a snack."
"They're holding him down and... well, I guess the kind thing to say would be that they're sharing his skills with the rest of the team. Wouldn't you say that?"
"I guess so. Hopefully the players will learn some of that crazy skating skills after devouring what's left of Cannibly."
"And that's the game, folks. We're just waiting for the trainers to herd the teams back into their respective trailers for the next exciting NZFL game. The final score is 4-3 with a spectacular game-winning goal by Sippy Cannibly. Next week the playoffs start with the first game – the Pittsburgh Putrids vs the Calgary Carrion! See you there!"
The End.
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