DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know, we're making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton airfield.. unless it's a farm..or just possibly the A45. It's not the sea, because that's blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a litre of Vodka through a straw. The Captain went first. You may have noticed the takeoff run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now it's me to land, just as soon as I decide, which of these two runaways to aim for. And I'm happy to tell you that I feel lucky. So on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say, geronimo! Opening Credit (by BC) - This week, Abu Dhabi! MARTIN: Blessed. DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, of course. May! MARTIN: Hmm, yup. Cant! ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Coffee with nothing in it. Tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Douglas? I love cargo flights. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur. MARTIN: Ooh, Eno? DOUGLAS: Ooh, Eno? MARTIN: Ooh, Eno. DOUGLAS: Ah..yes! Sewell. ARTHUR: Oh, what are we playing? MARTIN: Brians of Britain. ARTHUR: Then there must be loads of them! Uh, um.. DOUGLAS: Well, not to worry, as they come to you. ARTHUR: Oh, who's that guy? Hm, oh, gray haired, did that game show, "Can I have a P please, Bob?" Uh..what's his name? DOUGLAS: Your hope being that it was Brian..? ARTHUR: Yeah, Brian..Uh..Brian.. MARTIN: Bob Holness. It was Bob Holness. ARTHUR: That's it! Oh..Well, does he count anyway? DOUGLAS: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian. What the hell, yes, he does. Well done! (over the intercom) Tower: Golf-Tango-India, expect twenty min delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet. MARTIN: Golf-Tango-India, Roger. Hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only twenty minutes? Tower: (exhales) Probably..All depends, really. MARTIN: Thank you, Tower. Hugely informative as ever. Out. (turns off the intercom) Sorry, chaps, looks like we'd better divert to Bristol. ARTHUR: Bristol? Why? MARTIN: Fitton's got a runway closure. We'd have to hold for twenty minutes ARTHUR: But Bristol, that's miles away. MARTIN: Yes..Luckily enough though, we are in an aeroplane, specially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly. ARTHUR: Yeah..But my car's at Fitton. MARTIN: Oh, well then, let us, by all means, circle round it until we drop out of the sky. DOUGLAS: Do you know, Martin, all these years and I've never been to Bristol? MARTIN: We'll get ready for a treat. DOUGLAS: I don't know. I was rather hoping not to break my duck. ARTHUR: Skip, are you sure there's not enough fuel to wait, because there's always a little bit left when the guage shows red. MARTIN: Yes, oddly enough, Arthur, a jet aircraft isn't as precisely similar to a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupid person might imagine. We're going to Bristol. ARTHUR: What do you reckon, Douglas? DOUGLAS: We could go to Bristol, I believe. People do. However, we've easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty. MARTIN: Yeah, I'm sorry, but we are diverting. ARTHUR: Yeah, hang on a tick though, If Douglas reckons twenty minutes.. MARTIN: No, let's not hang on a tick. Let's listen to the Captain, shall we? DOUGLAS: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall. MARTIN: Thank you. DOUGLAS: Unless of course we were to smell smoke in the flight deck. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: I'm just saying, if by any remote chance, we smelt smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty-bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton. MARTIN: Yes, maybe. But I don't smell smoke in the flight deck. DOUGLAS: (lighting a match) How about now? MARTIN: What are you suggesting, Douglas? DOUGLAS: We tell the Tower we smell smoke which we do. We get to land straight away. They check the aircraft. Don't find anything. One of the life's little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybody is happy, and there's jam for tea. ARTHUR: Right. That's, you know, that's really clever. MARTIN: No! I'm sorry, but absolutely not. DOUGLAS: I used to do it all the time at Air England. MARTIN: Well, you're not at Air England now. Where you are now, is in a co-pilot seat, and on the way to Bristol. You'll like it. They have a lovely suspension bridge. DOUGLAS: Well..Shall I just sat-com Carolyn before we make our final decision. It's rather an expensive diversion. MARTIN: No! We have made our final decision. I have decided. And as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am supreme commander of this vessel. DOUGLAS: Golly! Captain Bligh flies again. MARTIN: Douglas, I am not impressed by your Air England mates. When you are on Captain Bligh's aircraft, you could do it his way. But when you're on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood? DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Yes what? DOUGLAS: Yes, it is. MARTIN: Yes, it is what? DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understood MARTIN: Yes, it is understood, what? DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understood, please. MARTIN: I'm waiting. DOUGLAS: Martin, you're not seriously asking me to call you Sir? MARTIN: Yes, I am. Why is that so hard to believe? DOUGLAS: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves, I'm old enough to be your father. MARTIN: Not unless you started very young. DOUGLAS: I did. MARTIN: Right. Well, I think your age and your previous role is giving you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft. Maybe a little observation of the formalities would help remind you which one of us is still the Captain. So--is--that--understood? DOUGLAS: Yes..(pause) Sir. MARTIN: Thank you! (flip on the intercom) Fitton approach, Golf-Tango-India, in view of your delay, request diversion to Bristol. (Sound of a plane flying) CAROLYN: Martin, you're a berk. MARTIN: I'm not a berk, Carolyn. I'm an airline captain. CAROLYN: Wrong on both accounts. You're a colossal berk and you are not an airline captain. I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot. MARTIN: Look, I'm sorry, Carolyn, but I can't just magic up extra fuel. CAROLYN: Yes, and I can't just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the west country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Don't tell me you voluntarily went to Bristol. DOUGLAS: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn. But Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command and we should all obey Sir at all times. CAROLYN: Who reminded you? DOUGLAS: Captain Crieff, or as I'm privileged to call him, Sir. CAROLYN: Martin, you are many things, but believe me, you are not Sir. If anyone is Sir, I am Sir. And as Sir, I'm telling you from now on diversions are out. MARTIN: I see, so if an engine catches fire on takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it! CAROLYN: All right, biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong, and I'm talking, "Oh, dear, surely we had two wings when we started wrong. " Otherwise, otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit.. MARTIN: That is completely unfair. CAROLYN: Is that right? I'll tell you what then, why don't you explain to me why you have the cargo hold heated at thirty degrees all trip? MARTIN: Did we? CAROLYN: Didn't you even know? MARTIN: Well, the thermostat's in the hold, you see.. CAROLYN: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk-around, you know. It's not a secret. Do you know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm thirty thousand feet up in the air. It is surprisingly pricey. So listen, next Thursday, you are going to Abu Dhabi, and you are going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost effective plane it is possible to fly. You will make easy jet look like Air Force One. Understood? MARTIN: Yes, Carolyn. DOUGLAS: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge McDuck Air. CAROLYN: No passengers. Some oil exec has moved out there, and we're bringing them everything he owns, furniture, clothes, carpets, cat, the lot. MARTIN: All right, what time's the pickup? CAROLYN: There's not going to be, a pick-up. MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Well you remember that thing I said fifteen seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly that's still in effect. There will be no taxies. You'll get to my house at 6:30 and I'll drive you. MARTIN: No! No, no, no, no! I'm sorry, Carolyn. You simply can't treat us like this. CAROLYN: Fine, then do by all means, feel free to resign, Martin, and take a job with one of the many companies eager to sign up the only commercial pilot in the skies who took seven goes to get his licence. MARTIN: Look, Carolyn, you cannot penalise me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable air safety concerns. CAROLYN: Yes, I can. MARTIN: Well, technically you can, but.. CAROLYN: Good! Then technically I will. Now please, go and be somewhere else. DOUGLAS: Well done, Sir. That's her told. (Carolyn is washing her dog in the bath room) ARTHUR: (knocks at the door) Morning, Mum. Can I come in? CAROLYN: Do you have coffee? ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Yes. CAROLYN: Can I have the coffee without talking to you? ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Not really. CAROLYN: (sighs) Oh, come in then. ARTHUR: Here you go (passes over the coffee). Do you need a hand? CAROLYN: Yes, pass me the shampoo and catch hold of this. All right, good gir...
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