{531}{612}{y:i}To the untrained eye, it may look|like just another day at school. {614}{656}{y:i}But actually, it was a very special week. {658}{717}{y:i}Or in Neil's case,|a very special needs week. {719}{751}Bollocks! No way is that right! {753}{818}You all right, Neil?|What are you playing? {820}{875}Oh, behave. That's well too hard. {877}{935}- Brain Training?|- Stupid thing. {937}{974}Why is that wrong? {976}{1045}- What does it say your brain age is?|- I got it up to 12 a minute ago. {1047}{1113}12? 12 years old? {1115}{1205}- Have you caught Down's syndrome?|- Has it asked if Santa is real yet? {1208}{1259}Don't listen to them, Neil.|He does exist. {1262}{1339}Yeah, and he's just sorted our Saturday|night out with the gift of gash. {1341}{1411}Sexy soiree? That sounds sexy. {1413}{1487}Fucking hell, is that Louise Graham?|She doesn't normally look like that. {1490}{1549}Oh, she'd definitely get it.|Right in the bum hole. {1552}{1585}Lucky girl. {1587}{1647}This is amazing! We've actually|been invited to a cool party. {1650}{1691}Yeah... kind of. {1694}{1784}I nicked it out of Sadie Cunningham's bag|during registration. We should try and go. {1787}{1893}{y:i}Another cool party we're specifically|not invited to. Good job, Jay. {1895}{1973}Um... isn't there something else|on Saturday night, anyway? {1975}{2005}Don't think so. {2007}{2042}It's my birthday. {2071}{2106}I'm having a dinner party. {2108}{2195}- I sent you the invites a month ago.|- Is that really happening? {2197}{2228}I thought it was a joke. {2230}{2311}It's a joke that we've got to go|to a dinner party rather than a sex party. {2313}{2438}Two things. One, it won't be a sex party -|it's Louise Graham we're talking about. {2440}{2500}And two, even if it is,|you were invited to my party first. {2502}{2567}Just cancel yours, Will.|You can have your birthday any weekend. {2569}{2636}Thanks, Neil. Simon, you don't want|to go to Louise Graham's, {2638}{2711}- do you?|- Me? No. God, no. No. {2713}{2765}Not unless you're going to cancel yours. {2767}{2791}I'm not. {2793}{2910}Sure. Sure. Oh, except my French|exchange bloke's arriving today. {2912}{2980}- I'm meant to look after him all week.|- Bring him along. {2982}{3038}It'll be nice to have|some sophistication at the party. {3040}{3130}I'm not sure he's that sophisticated. Some|friend of my mum's asked if we'd have him. {3132}{3209}- He might be a massive twat.|- So, what? The French version of you? {3211}{3298}Don't forget you've got to bring a girl.|I'd like this to be a proper dinner party. {3300}{3345}- Can I ask your mum?|- No! {3347}{3435}{y:i}So after school,|we went to say bonjour to Patrice. {3437}{3474}What's France like, then, Patrice? {3513}{3584}Cool. And are the French birds dirty? {3586}{3620}Quoi? {3622}{3728}He doesn't get any. Look, he's all greasy.|Birds don't go for that, French or not. {3907}{3937}Pardon? {4024}{4096}- Yeah. I think you'll be OK round here.|- What did he say? {4098}{4149}Do you not speak any French? {4152}{4222}No. That's why my mum was keen for him|to come over - try and teach me a bit. {4224}{4271}- I've picked up "clope" so far.|- What's that? {4274}{4358}- Cigarette. He smokes like a chimney.|- Simon, you have porn? {4361}{4421}Oh, for fuck's sake!|I keep saying - no, I don't. {4424}{4466}- Internet?|- No. {4469}{4553}- You can't get any porn on the internet?|- That's not the internet, Si. {4555}{4608}Are you trying to find porn|on your washing machine? {4610}{4662}My mum and dad have got a filter on it.|I can't see any. {4664}{4759}Oh, that is fucking tragic!|What are you, 11? {4815}{4838}All right, mate. {4887}{4964}- See you later, Patrice.|- He seems a bit weird. {4966}{5015}He asked if I'd tried|the "sleeping beauty". {5017}{5063}- Oh, it's good, that.|- You know it? {5065}{5187}Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand|goes dead - ten, 15 minutes, usually. {5189}{5242}Then, when you wank,|it feels like someone else is doing it. {5244}{5285}How do you know these things? {5287}{5350}Everyone knows the "sleeping beauty".|That's old. {5352}{5407}- Is it?|- Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. {5409}{5488}He and his mates used to be called|the Dead Hand Gang. {5490}{5546}They had a gang|based on masturbation? {5548}{5596}Oh, there's nothing gay about that {5598}{5654}Yeah, well, he's in the Air Force now,|so how gay is that? {5656}{5689}Still quite gay. {5691}{5767}{y:i}So my dinner party guest list|was shaping up nicely - {5769}{5806}{y:i}four idiots and a racist Frenchman. {5808}{5870}It's gonna be tricky to get girls|to come to your dinner party. {5872}{5920}Because you forgot and it's short notice? {5922}{5999}No, cos Louise Graham's quite popular.|Most people will be at hers. {6001}{6059}{y:i}Please say you'll at least try|and bring girls. {6061}{6111}This birthday can't be|as depressing as last year's. {6113}{6166}- Why, because you got that briefcase?|- No, Neil. {6168}{6237}- Because my father left my mother.|- Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to. {6239}{6302}Not being seen dead with you|in a million years is what she's up to! {6304}{6385}Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand|Who are you bringing again? {6387}{6460}Don't worry about me.|I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. {6462}{6531}Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy -|that little blonde barmaid {6533}{6597}- from the Fox and Hounds.|- You've pulled a barmaid? Nice. {6599}{6646}Has she got special dietary requirements? {6649}{6700}I've never cooked|for an imaginary woman before. {6702}{6747}I know she's not allergic to nuts. {6749}{6802}{y:i}- My nuts.|- Brilliant. {6805}{6850}- Or my cock.|- She only eats small portions, then. {6852}{6930}I didn't hear your mum complaining,|although her mouth was full at the time. {6933}{6991}- Good one|- Can you just drop us off here, Si? {6994}{7065}- Don't you want a lift to school?|- This is close enough. {7068}{7116}Don't wanna be seen|getting out of this shit heap. {7119}{7180}- No offence, mate.|- See you later. {7240}{7321}- Actually, I might get out, too.|- Fine! See you at school. {7425}{7476}- Do you want to get in the front?|- No. {7478}{7506}Great. {7508}{7594}{y:i}They say the quickest way|to a man's heart is through his stomach. {7596}{7660}{y:i}But I was hoping it would also be a way|into my female guests' knickers. {7673}{7714}What about chicken casserole? {7716}{7796}Why are you even asking?|If it was up to me, we'd have Big Macs. {7798}{7834}Did you not see Super Size Me? {7836}{7890}Yeah. It just made me|really want a Big Mac. {7935}{7991}- Oh, shit! Charlotte's online.|- Have you asked her along yet? {7995}{8074}- No. I don't know if I should.|- Go on, it'll be great. {8076}{8120}- Message her now.|- Do you think so? {8122}{8219}- Yes, it'll be cool. Just say hi.|- All right...Done it. {8221}{8265}Oh, wow, she's come straight back. {8267}{8332}She says, "Hi, whassup?"|Smiley face. Urgh. {8334}{8392}- Ask her out.|- No, I can't just jump in, {8394}{8467}not the way things have been with us.|Have to charm her a bit first. {8469}{8556}I've written, "Just hanging out with Si|and his French exchange." {8558}{8602}She thinks you're handsome?! {8659}{8704}Oh, no. She means Patrice. {8706}{8762}Thank God! I'm a div. {8783}{8838}Hmm, another smiley face. {8840}{8886}Can't bring myself to send a smiley back. {8888}{8976}- I could write "LOL" if I had to.|- Do that. {9049}{9112}- It's going well, mate. Ask her out.|- It is going well, isn't it? {9114}{9142}Definitely. {9171}{9215}"It's my birthday.|Come for dinner?" {9413}{9448}That pause isn't good. {9450}{9491}Calm down, it's only been a second. {9493}{9540}She was straight back|every time before. {9543}{9591}Holy shit! {9594}{9680}She's gone offline rather than answer|whether or not she'll come to my birthday. {9683}{9737}- Maybe the connection's dropped.|- No, it was back and forward. {9740}{9804}Then a question about dinner|and she's gone. {9806}{9851}Oh, brilliant, perfect. Thanks a bunch {9853}{9927}- Look, she didn't say no, did she?|- No. But she did hang up. {9929}{9975}So I'm sure she'll be there. {9977}{10039}Well, not sure, but... you know. {10041}{10080}Oh, hello, Simon. Oh. {10082}{10114}Bonjour. {10116}{10191}Oh, goodness, you're French. {10193}{10266}This is Patrice.|He's my sort of French exchange, {10268}{10330}Patrice, this is Will's mum. {10332}{10354}Hello. {10396}{10515}Well, um, I'm just off to play tennis.|Um... don't know why I mentioned that. {10545}{10575}Bye, then. {10577}{10616}Au revoir, Patrice. {10618}{10650}Au revoir. {10826}{10903}- Your mother is very sex.|- Sorry? {10905}{10947}She has the sex. {11073}{11127}He's a strange one, isn't he? {11129}{11185}Yeah, but he's French.|They're all weird, aren't they? {11187}{11275}- Oh, God, please don't be racist.|- That's not racist. {11277}{11329}I'm just saying|he barely says anything {11331}{11387}and when he does speak,|it's always about sex... {11389}{11426}just like all French people. {11504}{11584}{y:i}The next day was my birthday|and Mum was serving me up {11586}{11676}{y:i}her speciality -|scrambled eggs and disappointment. {11678}{11737}- Happy birthday, petal.|- Thanks, Mum. {11739}{11778}Here's your present. {11780}{11847}It's nothing big. I'm saving up|for something special next year, {11849}{11949}- when you can drive.|- Next year? I can drive this year. {11951}{12033}- I thought you had to be 18 to drive.|- No, it's 17. {12035}{12095}Oh, right. {12098}{12158}Sorry, your father used to deal|with things like that. {12185}{12288}Oh, thanks, Mum. Calvin Klein. It's... {12291}{12371}- It's a tight vest top.|- Don't you like the colour? {12374}{12416}Is this the only present you've got me? {12419}{12447}What...
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