Lessons Extracted By MissWinkles.pdf

Lessons Extracted By MissWinkles

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5854117/1/

oooOOOooo

I only had another half a block to the house, and Jesus, fuck it was cold;

seriously, if it got any colder, my balls would've been migrating to my asshole for

warmth. I could barely feel my fingers, as I shoved my hands deeper into my

pockets. I picked up my pace, anxious to get out of the chilled night air and really

looking forward to a hot shower. That week was dragging more than usual;

maybe it was because I was amped up for the weekend, or because the

customers were being extra annoying. I mean, who doesn't back up to a zip

drive? My job would've been great if it wasn't for the customers.

Growing up in Detroit I was used to the snow, but the cold was another thing

entirely, and, man, it was fucking cold. The temperature was twenty-four, to be

exact, with a wind chill even lower. I was wearing two shirts, a hoodie, and a

jacket, but could still feel the cold penetrating right through to my bones.

I was almost to my driveway when I spotted Mr. Berty, our landlord, walking his

pitiful excuse for a dog on the path in front of our house. I pulled my jacket collar

up higher, trying in vain to cover my face as I lowered my head. My day had

been relatively shitty as it was, and an earful from the landlord was not what I

wanted that late on a Thursday night. Bella called him Dirty Berty because he had

a tendency to leer at her and make inappropriate comments; I always had to

remind myself not to call him Dirty Berty to his face, as much as I wanted to.

I was almost there; only a few more steps, and I would be home free.

I turned up the short driveway to the house, walking as fast as I could while still

trying to be stealthy enough for him not to spot me.

But it was too late.

"Mr. Cullen!" he called, the ball of brown fur attached to the end of the leash

barking loudly as he dragged it up the drive towards me. I contemplated making

a run for it, until I remembered that he knew where we lived.

Pretending as if I hadn't already seen him, I looked up, watching as he crunched

through the light dusting of snow that covered the strip of grass that passed as

the front yard. Malcolm Berty was a middle aged, overweight, pervert with a lazy

eye.

"Hey, Mr. Berty!" I called, trying to turn away and slip inside before he held me

up, but my evasion tactics were too little, too late.

"So, you still hold gainful employment I see?" he said, pointing to the collar of the

work shirt that was poking out the top of my jacket.

I looked at him, confused.

"Well, you haven't lost your job, and you're not in hospital, as you're standing

here in front of me in perfect health. So I'm amiss to see why your rent is late

again, Mr. Cullen."

Damnit! I knew I should've run when I had the chance. He was glaring at me so

hard that his lazy eye slipped even further to the left and was wobbling slightly

from side to side. It took all of my concentration not to stare directly at it.

"You uh…mean you didn't get the check I sent?" I stuttered, scratching my head

and feigning innocence. "Huh, I was sure I mailed one out to you last week."

Don't look at his eye, don't look at his eye!

"Don't give me the bullshit Cullen," he said, panting heavily as he waddled closer.

"Your rent is a week late. It was two weeks late last month and two weeks the

month before."

I was trying my absolute fucking hardest not to look at his crazy eye, and I'm

pretty sure that if it had not been twenty-four, my palms would've been sweating

profusely. I was completely devoid of any excuses, my brain was frozen from the

sub zero temperatures, making it about as useful as a dick flavored lollipop, and

he knew it.

He grinned widely, a row of yellowed and stained teeth appearing from behind his

lips. "Have the rent paid by next Monday, or I'll have you and your girlfriend

evicted so fast your heads will spin!" He glared at me one last time before he

turned and trudged back through the snow, stopping only to let his bastard dog

shit on the front lawn.

"Yeah, well, maybe you could come and fix the front door, and she's not my

girlfriend douche bag! And he's gone and didn't hear me," I mumbled, as I

watched him cross the street.

I pulled the front door key out of my jacket pocket, my cold fingers fumbling with

it as I slipped it into the lock. I shoved my right shoulder against the door to push

it out of its warped frame, and it popped open with a jolt, sending me stumbling

into the tiny apartment. Feeling along the wall for the light switch, I almost lost

my footing on a pair of Bella's shoes that were lying haphazardly thrown just

inside the door.

I caught myself before I face planted into the floor, throwing Bella's shoes aside.

As much as I frickin' loved that woman, she was such a slob. There were always

shoes lying all over the floor, clothes strewn all over the house, or toothpaste all

over the bathroom sink. Man, that girl sent me in-fucking-sane sometimes.

I pulled off my gloves and jacket, slinging them over the back of the couch. I

checked my watch, 6:15 p.m.; Bella should've finished work fifteen minutes

before, which gave me some time before she got home.

My stomach gurgled loudly, obviously not satisfied with my pitiful excuse for

lunch, which consisted of a diet coke and a bag of potato chips, almost seven

hours ago. I pulled open the fridge, the light inside throwing a yellow glow over

the kitchen. The scene inside the refrigerator was bleak: three beers, half a

cheese pizza, and half a carton of milk, which, by the smell wafting from the

carton, was out of date.

I grabbed a beer and one slice of pizza, leaving the other two for Bella, knowing

she would be starving when she got home. One thing I learned from being best

friends with that chick for ten years? Never, ever, ever, ever, stand in the way of

a hungry Bella and cheese pizza. Switching on lights as I went, I made my way

down to my bedroom at the end of the hallway, noticing as I passed that Bella's

door was closed and the light off. I stripped off my hoodie and hung up my work

shirt and pants for the following day.

I grabbed some sweats and the cleanest smelling t-shirt from the floor, draining

the last of my beer before making my way towards the bathroom. My phone

buzzed in my pocket alerting me to a text, and I flipped it open. I'd hoped it

would be Bella telling me that she was bringing home food, but it was even

better; it was Tyler telling me that he had finally gotten his hands on a pirated

copy of the 'World of Warcraft' expansion pack. Who knows how he got it, but I

was thrilled he had.

I was so excited I broke out my happy dance, doing the best robot ever down the

hallway towards the bathroom.

A high pitched squeal blasted from the bathroom as I threw the door open, and I

looked up to see Bella, my roommate, sitting on the toilet flailing her arms

around like crazy. I wanted to turn away, but I was stuck in place, my feet rooted

to the ground like some deranged pervert.

A loud thud snapped me out of it, and suddenly Bella was lying on the floor in

front of the toilet, her pants still around her ankles as she screamed at me.

"Shut the door! Shut the fucking door!"

Out of instinct I took a few steps closer to try and help her up, still unable to form

a coherent word as she struggled to cover herself.

"Edward! Get. The. Fuck. Out!"

I turned and grabbed the door handle, closing the door as quickly as possible, the

ridiculous image burned into my retinas as I threw my hands over my eyes.

"Jesus, fuck, Bella, close the door if you're gonna take a dump!"

Seconds later the door flew open in front of me, a red faced Bella glaring at me

from the doorway, "It was closed, Edward!"

"No, it was closed over, it was not closed!"

"Whatever," Bella said as she pushed past me. "Geez Edward, lighten up! If I'd

known you were into that kinky shit I would have let you watch."

I stood in the doorway of the bathroom; my mouth opened and shut a few times

like a fish. How did I end up being the one embarrassed?

"Cram it up your cram hole Swan!" I yelled down the hall. "You're such a nasty

bitch!"

She laughed loudly, even snorting a little. "And you're a sexual deviant Edward.

Lucky we have each other right?"

"You mean, lucky you have me?" I asked, now standing at her bedroom door,

watching as she searched through the mounds of clothes on the floor for

something. How did she discern what was dirty and what was clean without

smelling anything? Must be a girl thing.

"Ha!" she chuckled. "Cullen, who'd get you laid if I wasn't around? Huh? Who'd

take you out and get you ridiculously drunk? Emmett? I think not, his wife would

kick his ever lovin' ass, and yours!"

I gasped, grasping at my chest in mock pain. "You mean what would I do without

you to pimp me out to all your friends, and then get me so drunk I can barely

walk, let alone take the random chick home to bone? Yeah, what would I do?

Where would I go?"

She slapped me playfully on the arm as she passed on her way to the laundry.

"What are you doing home anyway?" I asked, watching her pull everything out of

the wash basket onto the laundry floor, tipping the basket upside down.

"Fucking Bill, that useless fuck. I go around all day in that ridiculous dress and

those goddamn roller skates, I don't complain..."

I laughed quietly to myself and Bella stopped momentarily to glare at me.

"Okay, I don't complain much. Anyway, I dropped three plates, and he has a spaz

attack! That asshole pays, like, two bucks for those plates and I get docked

fifteen bucks from my pay. So, I told him to shove it, and I left early."

She was sitting on the laundry room floor, lifting up every item of clothing and

shaking them vigorously before slamming them back into the basket.

"Bella, what the fuck are you looking for?" I shouted.

"My black yoga pants. I swear I had them yesterday, and now I can't find them!"

she answered angrily, tossing an errant sock across the room.

I turned back to the bathroom, leaving Bella to her search. Knowing her, they

could've been anywhere. The week before I'd found a pair of her socks in the top

drawer in the kitchen. Why? Who the fuck knows?

I showered quickly and flopped down onto the couch next to Bella who was eating

the last slice of pizza. "You still on for tomorrow night?" I asked, nudging her

slightly with my shoulder.

"Ugghh," she groaned, flopping sideways and burying her head in the couch

pillows. "Why Edward? Do we have to?"

"Please, Bella, I can't go on my own. You know that I need my wingman!"

Bella sat up, turning towards me and crossing her legs. "Look, Edward, I'm sure

there are people who are actually excited to see their classmates. People who are

happy to plaster the fake smiles on their faces and act interested in all the

bullshit, but I am not! There's only one person who I'm even remotely interested

in talking to, and he's sitting right next to me. Don't make me go!"

I took her hand in mine, rubbing the back soothingly. "Bella, remember that time

I drove you all the way across town so that we could watch that band because

you wanted to screw the lead singer?" She nodded sullenly. "Remember me

driving all that way so you could try and fuck THE GAY lead singer of that band?"

She nodded again, her bottom lip between her teeth. "Well, I think you owe me,

and this is me calling in that favor."

"Oh come on! How was I supposed to know he was gay Edward? And anyway, I

seem to remember you got some action out of the road trip."

I laughed at the memory. "Okay, One: They were called Queens of the BoneAge,

and everyone knows Jacob Black is gay. Two: The "action" I got was from a cross

dresser, and it couldn't really even be described as action, seeing as how she just

licked my face and told me I tasted like marshmallow peeps."

At that point Bella and I were both laughing so hard she had fallen off the couch

and was curled up on the floor in hysterics. "Oh my god, I forgot about that! Her

name was Chi Chi LaRue, and she was taller than you are, and wouldn't leave you

alone, so you hid in the men's toilets, but then she followed you in!"

"You would hide, too! She had hands as big as Andre the Giant!" I yelled. We sat

on the floor laughing like two hyenas, until tears were streaming down our faces.

Leaning up against the sofa, Bella turned to me and said, "Seriously though, Chi

Chi had great legs, and great hair, too."

I smiled. "Well, I'll just take your word for it. So? You going to come with me

tomorrow night? Look, we'll go for an hour, tops. You can drink as much free

booze as you can, and then we'll leave."

"Or," Bella started, "I have an idea. We could just not go at all, stay here, and

watch The Goonies on T.V.!"

"Bella, we have The Goonies on DVD. Anyway, I'm never going to be able to

make a move on Tanya if you're not there."

Bella sighed, resting her head on my shoulder. "Tanya Denali? Really Edward?

Didn't she call you Edward Penishands at school?" she asked, looking up at me

from my shoulder.

"Yeah, okay, but that was then, and this is now. I've changed since high school...

Haven't I?"

Bella looked at me, her eyes squinted. "You look about the same."

"I do not!" I exclaimed, pushing my glasses further up my nose. I looked down at

my ratty sweats and my favorite t-shirt, the one that Emmett had given me for

my birthday the previous year that said, "I'm not a Geek. I'm a level 9 Warlord."

"Okay, well, that's a moot point," I conceded. "Whatever. What I'm saying is I

want my best friend in the whole world there with me. Please?" I gave her my

best, sweetest smile; the one I knew I could bring out when I really wanted

something from her.

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