CAROLYN: Your seatbelt fastens like this. And unfastens like this. An invaluable lesson there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and that is precisely where I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is a open-air swimming pool in Daventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously, they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment or we wouldn?t let you have them, but they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight. ------ [Opening Credits] ?This week: Boston!? ------ MARTIN: Fitton approach. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, climbing to six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Okey dokey, have fun. MARTIN: Carl. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Roger, Golf Tango India. MARTIN: Thank you. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: You?re welcome. Don?t fly into anything I wouldn?t fly into. DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Could you balance the fuel please? [Silence] MARTIN: Douglas, the fuel. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, can?t help you. MARTIN: [sighs] Simon says, ?could you balance the fuel?? DOUGLAS: By all means. You know, you can give up anytime you like. It?s been six trips. MARTIN: No, I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time. DOUGLAS: What, even better than, ?Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, I?ll go first, Douglas. Tell me when you?re ready, Martin. I?m ready, Douglas ? ugh.? I don?t know, Martin, you?ve set the bar punishingly high. [Door opens] CAROLYN: Ah, gentlemen. MARTIN: Oh, dear. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: It?s always trouble when we?re gentlemen. I prefer it when we?re imbeciles. DOUGLAS: Or dolts. MARTIN: ?Dolts? is good, yes. CAROLYN: No, this is good news. I have another job for you. MARTIN: We?ve already got another job this week. CAROLYN: Indeed you have. So stand by for another ?nother job. The fine people at Algonquin Charter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with a whole parcel of cross Americans who aren?t in America, but would like to be. And guess who?s making their dream come true? Our very own selves. MARTIN: We can?t do it. CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question? MARTIN: It wasn?t a question, Carolyn. It was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night. CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning. MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours? rest between trips. CAROLYN: I know. Because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to Boston Wednesday morning, twelve hours break. Fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours break. Off to Istanbul. Perfect. MARTIN: But ? I?ve got my easyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon. DOUGLAS: Ah well, easyJet, easy go. CAROLYN: You can still do that. I don?t care what you do in your twelve hours. You can sleep or try to sneak away from my company like a sniveling rat. It?s all the same to me. MARTIN: Douglas, help me out here. DOUGLAS: Aw, nice try. MARTIN: Damn! CAROLYN: Please tell me you?re not still playing Simon Says. DOUGLAS: I?m afraid I can?t do that ? for two reasons. ------ [Passengers murmuring] ARTHUR: Good evening, sir. Welcome aboard today. Good evening, madam. Welcome also to you today on board. Good evening, sir. Welcome to being onboard to you today. Oh, er, sir? Excuse me? PASSENGER: Yeah? What? ARTHUR: May I inform yourself that MJN does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service, and as such result of this, all cigarettes, cigars, and cigarillos must be extinguished upon embarkation and retained in a state of extinguishment until termination of disembarkation. Thank yourself for your cooperation. PASSENGER: I?m not cooperating. ARTHUR: [pause] No, not yet. But? I?m sure you?re going to in a minute. And then? thank you. PASSENGER: Do you know how much I paid to be on this flight today? ARTHUR: Oh, I bet it was loads. PASSENGER: Yeah, good guess, it was loads. It was so much that it seems to me that uh [inhales] I can pretty much smoke where I like, okay? ARTHUR: But ? it ? it?s very dangerous to smoke on an aeroplane. PASSENGER: No, it?s not. ARTHUR: [pause] I don?t know what to say now. PASSENGER: How old are you, sonny? ARTHUR: Twenty-eight-and-a-half. PASSENGER: Well, I was smoking on airplanes for twenty years before you were born. Why do you think the ?No Smoking? signs go on and off? ARTHUR: Actually, ours don?t mostly. Although one of them flickers. And there?s one we can?t turn on at all because it makes the cabin smell of fish. PASSENGER: Well, that sure gives me confidence. So, uh, [inhales] we?re all done here, right? ARTHUR: Yep. PASSENGER: And I can smoke. ARTHUR: Er ? CAROLYN: Hello. Welcome on board. It?s my pleasure to serve you today. Please do let me know or a member of my team know if we can help you at any time, such as, for instance, by extinguishing that cigarette for you. [Cigarette fizzles] PASSENGER: Hey! CAROLYN: Oh, dear. Arthur, get this gentlemen a fresh glass of wine please. This one seems to be a bit [chuckles] cigarette-y. Thank you so very much and please do enjoy the rest of your flight. ------ [On the flight deck] MARTIN: Douglas, could you give me the fuel check at the last way point? [Silence] MARTIN: Simon says, ?give me the fuel check at the last way point.? DOUGLAS: Certainly. Ten minutes early and seven hundred kilos up on flight plan. MARTIN: Nearly got you though, didn?t I? DOUGLAS: No. [Alarm beeps] DOUGLAS: Ah, here we go again. Let?s see what vital part?s fallen off the old girl this time. Ah! MARTIN: What is it? DOUGLAS: Shall I tell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol we?re flying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean? MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: It?s on fire. MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: Master caution fire, Captain. Smoke detector, passenger loo. MARTIN: Ah. [ding] Carolyn, we?ve got a ? CAROLYN: Yes, I know, I know. Keep your goggles on. It?s just stroppy Mr. Lehman in 3B. Hang on. ------ [CAROLYN knocks on the door of the loo] PASSENGER: It?s taken! CAROLYN: Sir, please extinguish your cigarette, take the paper cup off the smoke alarm, make a mental note that that trick never works, and return to your seat. PASSENGER: Nope! ------ [Door opens] CAROLYN: Martin, give Douglas your hat. [Pause] CAROLYN: Do it. MARTIN: You didn?t say ?Simon says.? CAROLYN: I am not playing your game. The man in the loo refuses to come out, so give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: I?m sure to you those two sentences follow another naturally, but I don?t quite see the logi ? CAROLYN: I don?t need you to see. I need you to give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: I don?t want to give him my hat. DOUGLAS: If it helps, I don?t want to take his hat. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness? sakes! Why don?t people just blindly obey anymore? He needs your hat because I want the captain to go down there and strike terror into his heart. MARTIN: But I?m the captain! CAROLYN: I am only too painfully aware that you are the captain, Martin. But Douglas actually looks and sounds like a captain. You?re not going to strike terror into anyone?s heart. Unless you chat them up in a bar. MARTIN: Right. Well, let?s just see about that, shall we? ------ MARTIN: Mr. Lehman? MR. LEHMAN: Yuuup? MARTIN: I notice you?re no longer in the toilet cubicle, sir. MR. LEHMAN: Aw, I bet the guys call you ?Captain Hawkeye!? MARTIN: Are you aware that ten minutes ago I was on the point of aborting the flight? MR. LEHMAN: Oh, I wouldn?t do that if I were you. Looks wet down there. MARTIN: Because, sir, I was under the impression that the aircraft was on fire. MR. LEHMAN: No, it was just me [inhales] smokin?. MARTIN: Yes, I know. MR. LEHMAN: Right, so you weren?t on the point of aborting anything now, were you? MARTIN: Sir, as the commander of this vessel, I must demand ? MR. LEHMAN: Okay, that?s about enough. What are you gonna do, Commander? Have me arrested? No. And I?ll tell you why not. Because your tin pot, little one-airplane outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You think you can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price, when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-pilot costume? Give me a break! You?re not the commander of anything! You?re a little guy who can?t get a game with the big boys and wears a uniform like a rear admiral?s to make up for the fact that he?s basically just a flying cabbie! Am I right? MARTIN: NO! No! You?re not right! You?re ? a very rude man! You can?t speak to me like that. I?m the captain! MR. LEHMAN: Okay, Captain. You run along now and uh [inhales] try not to cry into any important equipment. MARTIN: [tearfully] I?m not crying! Your smoke got in my eyes. ------ [Door opens] DOUGLAS: How did it go? MARTIN: Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! ...Arthur? DOUGLAS: Well, anything you say five times is obviously true. ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper? MARTIN: Right, right. Arthur, did you see me inform Mr. Lehman about our non-smoking policy? ARTHUR: Er. Well, I wasn?t ? I wasn?t really looking. I mean? I certainly didn?t notice if he made you cry. Or not. I mean, he probably didn?t. MARTIN: I was not crying. His smoke got in my eyes. DOUGLAS: [singing] Smoke gets in your eyes? MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas! No...
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