Lise Video
TR Anthony Robbins
CM Cloe Madanes
L Lise
CM I’m very happy to share with you this film about the work of Anthony Robbins. At a large conference he characteristically addresses the challenges of one of the participants. Engaging the person in conversation, he offers practical solutions to their issues.
I will guide you through this film, analyzing the interventions and offering a series of steps that you can use to create changes in yourself and in others. If you ever feel constrained by your identity, if you find yourself not being able to do things that you think you might be capable of doing, it is most likely that there was a time in your life in which you made a key decision that has shaped the way you look at life, the way you interact with people, and the results you’re getting today. If you want to expand your ability, your choices, and your freedom, you will find this film extremely valuable.
The film is also a story of a family in crisis and how one individual’s decision can influence not only themselves, but generations to come—how generations can be literally changed the moment one person makes a new decision. This intervention starts after Robbins had just explained the framework designed by Claire Graves which describes seven stages of human development and motivation. Two of these stages have bearing on the initial conversation in this intervention: the stage of survival and the stage of power. A woman, Lise, raised her hand with a question about the survival stage. She described a typical power confrontation with her husband, the red stage, during which she slips into a survival mode where she feels vulnerable and afraid. She states that she hates these lapses of control and implies that she would like to overcome them.
TR Yes?
L [Sounds like: I have a question about survival.]
TR A question about survival?
L Yeah—well, not survival—survival. But I wrote down that when my husband [Sounds like: three] the red—
TR Yes.
L —I automatically go red also, but when it goes on for a while, I go survival, I go kind of—
L This is a matter of life and death, and if I’m not going to be, in one way, it’s life threatening. It isn’t.
TR Right, but it feels like it is.
L It feels like it is. He wouldn’t hurt me for anything.
TR Yeah. And what happens when you do that?
L I become—I cry. I get scared.
TR Yes. Yes.
L I get—
TR What does he do?
L He gets confused. [Laughter] [Applause]
TR Now, when you do that, is she using masculine energy or feminine energy? See, a lot of people see this as weakness. So, when you went into those places, you did go into some fear. You also put out all kinds of emotions, and he doesn't know how to deal with that. He knows how to deal with another man. So, when you [Sounds like: get to be a man,] you both go into red—[Sounds like: bam, bam.] Then it’s two men arguing, and of course, that’s not going to be a really great thing because it’s not going to solve anything. But what you do is you break his pattern when you go into the feminine.
CM Robbins immediately challenges Lise’s assumption that vulnerability is weakness. Vulnerability can be a source of power in the same way that sometimes there is weakness inherent in a position of strength. Every person, to have balance in relationships, must be able to sometimes be vulnerable and sometimes be strong. Lise gave up the possibility of being vulnerable long ago, and only now, at 68 years of age, has begun to experience moments of vulnerability that confuse her and her husband. In our culture vulnerability is associated with feminine, so in refusing to experience vulnerability in her relationship, Lise gave up many of the pleasures of being a woman. We will see how Robbins discovers the root cause of her loss of femininity and helps her recover her feminine self. He begins by challenging her identity as a woman.
TR He doesn't know how to deal with you being vulnerable. He doesn't know how to do that. Vulnerability is power. It’s not a weakness. If you can be vulnerable and feel, that means you’re connected to what’s really true instead of like trying to protect yourself. And then, you know what? You can break a pattern when you’re being real.
L I hate this.
TR Yeah, I know because look at you. You’re a man. You’ve been working to be a man most of your life. [Laughter] I’m not being insulting. Let’s just tell the truth. You’re a man. You’re a f—king man. Look at yourself—the way you hold yourself, the way you stand. Tell me I’m wrong. I’m not making criticism, honey. I don’t have any criticism.
L [Sounds like: I know.]
TR I want you to have what you deserve. Now, maybe you’re masculine inside. I don’t think so. You just described to me what you do under enough stress. That’s not what a masculine energy does under enough stress. He gets f—king more intense.
CM Robbins uses intense language as a way of breaking through formalities and niceties, in order to quickly establish an honest connection. In these first few minutes of talking with Lise, Robbins has already discovered her core issue. Here, he offers a story that is a metaphor about the power of vulnerability. The story counters Lise’s view that vulnerability is weakness. It is also designed to address all the people in the audience that share this belief.
TR I’ll tell you an interesting example. There’s a man. I’ve been trying to think of his name. It’ll pop into my head, I’m sure, but he wanted so much to achieve his goal that he worked for two years to think this goal through and imagine it and visualize it and work on every single detail he could. And then, finally, the day arrived, and that day was a sunny day when he woke up because he was excited. He knew this was his day, the day he was finally going to achieve the ultimate goal that would make him somebody, give him a sense of ultimate—what? [Significance] Significance. Because he’d been a busboy, and for a masculine man as a busboy didn’t feel like much of a thing. So, he didn’t want that, so he had this plan and he knew it was going to work.
And it was a sunny day, and he went down to the parade that day, and people were so happy, and the sun was in the air and children were around, and people were just having the greatest time. And sure enough, he had planned everything to a level of detail, like a man would, and really thinking it through. And he calculated it all. And he was so prepared. This wasn’t spontaneous. It was prepared. He organized, and he had written journal notes about and everything. And sure enough, here comes the parade, and there’s the President of the United States. And the President gets out of the car, and he’s walking with secret service men on either side of him, and he’s walking along, coming closer. He feels his heart racing because this is his moment. This is the moment of his life. And just as he does that, he reaches into his pocket and feels the steel of the gun that he’s going to use to kill the President of the United States. This is a true story.
And the President is now coming to him, and the President is almost within his range, just close enough that he wants to be certain he can kill him. And he gets the gun. He’s got his hand on the gun. He’s about to pull it out, and he’s going to fire on the President because the secret service guys are distracted aside, and he’s right within point blank range. And just as he does it, he feels the excitement of that moment, the uncertainty of it, the sense of significance [Sounds like: can be here,] and the certainty that he can do it all at once in his body. And as he goes to reach, all of a sudden—bam—something hits him, and he whips around and he’s so angry because somebody is interrupting him in the peak of this because men don’t like it when you knock them out of that state and they’re doing s—t. They can only do one thing at a time. You can’t kill somebody and have a conversation. [Laughter]
So, he whips around so angry, and there, standing, is this really soft, beautiful, gentle, grandmotherly like woman—purely feminine. And she looks at him, and [Sounds like: falls hard,] and then he looks [Sounds like: at the President coming,] and she grabs just gently, real gently on the arm, and she said, “Oh, oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” And she give him all this feminine love and connection. And his hand is on the gun and she’s touching his arm and she’s looking at him like this with all this love and connection. And the President’s coming, and he took his hand of the gun. And Arthur Bremer wrote in his journal that it was the moment he had planned for for five years. His entire life’s goal was there, but he just couldn’t do it because she was so sweet, and he never [Sounds like: had the thought] he’d be so loving to her, and he couldn’t make her witness that.
So, he spent the next two years, instead of killing Richard Nixon, he went out and shot Governor Wallace, and he’s still in jail to this day. He didn’t dislike Richard Nixon or Wallace either. He called Nixon tricky Dick. He thought he was brilliant. But, f—k—[Sounds like: toothpaste] had more significance than he did. [Sounds like: It’s what he’d die for.] The power of connection and love, the power of vulnerability, can stop a killer. And that’s your power, and you think it’s your weakness. That’s why you dress the way you dress. That’s why you hold yourself the way you hold yourself. And that’s why you really are fearful because you’ve been living a life that you’re not.
L Ummm—right now, I think I’m confused.
TR She’s confused. [Applause]
CM Robbins chose a metaphorical story of violence because when Lise first stood up she was concerned about violence with her husband. Lise knew that Robbins was telling the story in relation to her, yet she could not quite connect how it was relevant. The telling of metaphorical stories typically leads to an altered state of consciousness. In this state, Lise was able to admit that she was confused.
TR She’s confused.
CM The audience applauds because they are familiar with Robbins belief that a state of confusion immediately precedes a new realization, in other words, a breakthrough.
L I don’t believe I said that [Sounds like: to you.]
TR You don’t believe you said that?
CM Robbins has picked up on two of Lise’s psychological habits that bear on the question of vulnerability and stoicism. The first is a shrug that suggests detachment. The second is a cringe of discomfort that is a defense against the possibility of being judged or attacked. Robbins counteracts these habits by physically modeling an almost exaggerated smile, laugh, and bodily gestures of openness. You will see Lise gradually overcoming these habits and opening up physically and emotionally to Robbins and the audience.
L No.
TR You would never normally admit you’re confused because men don’t want to be confused.
L No, [Sounds like: up here.]
TR They want to be in control.
L Up here.
TR What’s that?
L I wouldn’t say it here.
TR You wouldn’t say it here. Where would you say it?
L Kind of—I know.
TR Yeah, “I know.” There’s a f—king man. I know. [Sounds like: Doesn't know s—t.] I know. Don’t men do that all the time? I f—king know. Because they’re supposed to know. They’re like, “I don’t know.” [Sounds like: They don’t that because they don’t.] Just a man. What do you want to do?
L But I do know. This thing I don’t know.
TR Well, I think you do know. But I think we’ve had too much [Sounds like: dancing.] [Laughter]
L Yes. [Sounds like: It’s my way.] I—
TR How often do you dance naked around the house and play with yourself? [Laughter]
L Uhh—it’s too cold in Norway to do that. [Laughter] [Applause]
TR There’s a f—king man. There’s a f—king man thinking logically [Sounds like: above the flow of emotion.] No, honey, you can’t do that now because it’s too cold. That’s a total man—logic. Is there any logic to this? No. So the f—king weather doesn't matter.
L Uhh, once a year.
TR Once a year.
L Every other year. [Laughter]
TR Every other year. Every other decade? Every other decade? No? Once every other year?
L Yeah.
TR I see. How long do you dance like that—naked—and play with yourself?
L Not long.
TR There’s a man.
L Five minutes. [Laughter] [Applause]
CM Robbins unexpectedly introduces the idea of dancing as a metaphor for feminine spontaneity. Lise could have flatly responded that she never dances alone, but she didn’t do that. She said once a year, so Robbins sees the feasibility of exploring her femininity. He escalates by adding the image of purely feminine, uninhibited abandon. Lise responds with humor, and so loosens up physically and emotionally. Robbins has disrupted her habitual pattern of looking at things from a position of control and authority, and so prepares her for the possibility of change. Only now, when Robbins has established a teasing connection with the feminine side of Lise, does he ask the crucial question.
TR Tell me about your father.
L My father was huge—very tall and very fat.
TR Tall and very fat—what was he like, though? Do you know?
L Yeah, he was—he had rules.
TR He had what?
L Rules.
TR Rules—[Sounds like: he had to do that.]
L He had rules and regulations.
TR Rules about what?
L Regulations.
TR Regulations—rules and regulations. But did he live by those rules, or did he impose them?
L He lived by many rules, but some of them, like stealing and lying, he wasn’t too strict upon. But when it was me, it was very strict.
TR I know. How did you respond to these rules?
L I sabotaged them sometimes, and then I got beaten.
L If I got caught—I got better and better at not being caught, but—[Laughter] —I got caught.
TR Yes, I can see that. And when you got caught, and you got beat, what did you do to deal with it?
L I didn’t laugh, of course, but I couldn’t care less.
TR That’s right. You got harder, didn’t you?
L Um hmm.
TR And tougher?
L Um Hmm.
TR So, you became a man to try to survive. What would have happened if you would have cried and gone crazy? What would he have done? You don’t know?
L I have a guess because my sister cried, and he stopped.
TR That’s right.
L I thought it was humiliating.
TR I know, honey. I know.
L But I didn’t want him to win.
TR I know, honey.
L It wasn’t very nice.
TR It was horrible. It was abusive. It was wrong. If he was here, I would let him know and [Sounds like: Lacy] would not forget, but [Sounds like: if said—]
L But he was a nice man to me. He was a nice man.
TR He was not a nice man to you.
L I loved him.
TR I know. You still do. See, you became like him, but just not as unjust because you loved him, and you figured he wouldn’t respect you if you bent. So, if you couldn’t have love, at least you have connection. And even if it was violence, at least it was connection because it’s much better to have violence and be significant enough to interact than to be ignored. Isn’t it? ...
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