Principia5thEdIntro.pdf

INTRODUCTION to the

Principia Discordia Fifth Edition

by Kerry Thornley,

Discordian Society Co-founder

If organized religion is the

opium of the masses,

then disorganized religion is the

marijuana of the lunatic fringe.

M ost disorganized of all religions, Discordianism

alone understands that organization is the work of the

Devil. Holy Chaos is the Natural Condition of Reality,

contrary to popular belief. Theologian cite Order in the

Universe as proof of a Supreme Intelligence, but a

glance is enough to see that the stars are not actually in

neat little rows. (Oh, sure, there is the Big Dipper and

the Little Dipper - but if they were really connect- the-

dot drawings there would be numbers next to the stars.)

Theology is just a debate over who to frame for creating

reality. What we imagine is order is merely the

prevailing form of chaos.

Every few thousand years some shepard inhales smoke

from a burning bush and has a vision or eats moldy rye

bread in a cave and sees God. From then on their

followers kill one another at the slightest provocation.

Haunted houses called temples are built by one side and

torn down by another - and then bloody quarrels

continue over the crumbling foundations.

Organized religion preaches Order and Love but spawns

Chaos and Fury. Why?

Because the whole Material Universe is exclusive

property of the Greco-Roman Goddess of Chaos,

Confusion, Strife, Helter-Skelter and Hodge- Podge. No

Spiritual power is even strong enough to dent Her

chariot fenders. No material force can resist the

temptation of Her Fifth Intergalactic Bank of the

Acropolis Slush Fund for Graft and Corruption.

All this was revealed to me in an absolutely

unforgettable miraculous event in 1958 or 1959 in a

bowling alley in Friendly Hills or maybe Santa Fe

Springs, California, witnessed by either Gregory Hill or

Malaclypse the Younger or perhaps Mad Malik or

Reverend Doctor Occupant or some guy who must have

vaguely resembled one or another of them.

With the help of a Chaosopher's Stone I found the

Goddess Eris Discordia in my pineal gland (on Cosmic

Channel Number Five) and ever since I have known the

answers to all the mysteries of metaphysics,

metamystics, metamorhpics, metanoiacs and

metaphorics. (Before that I didn't even know how to

install a plastic trash can liner so it wouldn't fall down

inside the first time somebody threw away garbage.)

You, too can activate your pineal gland simply by

reciting the entire contents of this book upon awakening

each morning, rubbing sandalwood paste between your

eyes each evening upon retiring, banging your forehead

against the ground five times a day, refraining from

harming cockroaches and meditating (defined as sitting

around waiting for good luck).

When your pineal gland finally lights up you will never

again, as long as you live, have to relax.

Eris Discordia will solve all your problems and She will

expect you in return to solve all Her problems. In these

very pages you will learn about converting infidels.

Later on, you will be taught how to annoy heretics. You

will also be required to resolve Zen-like riddles, such as:

If Jesus was Jewish, then why did he have a Puerto

Rican name?

Once you become adept at leaning on backsliders, you

will qualify for a calling. Maybe you will be a

Chaosopher (who delivers commentaries on chaos) or

perhaps, instead, a Chaoist (who goes around stirring up

chaos) or, perchance, a Knower (who knows better than

to do either one).

But under no circumstances may you become a Prophet.

We don't intend to jeopardize our nonprophet status.

What we lack in Prophets, however, we make up for in

Saints. Only a Pope may canonize a Saint, but every

man, woman and child on this planet is a genuine and

authorized Pope (genuine and authorized by the House

of the Apostles of Eris). So you can ordain yourself - and

anyone or anything else - a Saint.

Times weren't always so easy. When in 1968 I first

declared myself a Saint, Gregory Hill said, "That's

impossible," insisting, "Only dead people can be Saints,"

adding, "and fictional characters," guessing, "You are

neither one."

But it happened that, although I was no longer a

believer, I was still on the membership roles of the

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So Greg

was too late. Me and all the other Mormons were already

Saints - and some of us living ones - no matter what he

said.

Nowadays only the Mormons have more Saints than the

Discordian Society. But we plan to catch up with them.

Won't you please join our Sainthood Drive? Moral

perfection isn't necessary for Discordian Sainthood. You

just have to suffer a lot.

So many other privileges of membership in our religion

come to mind that I don't know where to begin. For

instance, you don't have to get out of bed early on

Sunday morning to attend church. You can sleep in.

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